Life seems to be running away again. I haven't figured out a way to stop it.
Ryan has completed week one of semester two of law school year one.
Sometimes I find it hard to really live in the moment, ya know? It is so easy to complain and drag my feet along through the tough times. Trust me, I do enough of it around this house for the whole family.
Last semester, it was really shocking to realize our situation. It finally hit me in the face when we were 3 months in, realizing, we weren't going to make it financially through the end of the year. It was true. It wasn't, oh....if we cut a corner here, get rid of this,...we'll make it. It was, Ryan, what are we going to do? We are out of options.
Florida State, like a lot of state schools, only give you a certain amount. Regardless if you are married, single, living on campus or off. There is no way to get more. You can't even get private loans. Trust me, we tried that too.
In August, we gave the financial aid office all of our moving expenses, hoping that they would realize that we were in need of some help. We were a "special situation" and were put on the
Oh, you'll hear back in 6-8 weeks if you will be granted more financial aid because of your moving expenses. I thought, so basically, No?
What's funny is that I was completely doubtful that we'd get any money thrown to us. Right now, money is money. If we have to someday pay that off? I'm tooootally fine with it. Being in law school (like other professional trades ie dental, medical), is pretty daunting with how much money goes in,
hoping, that we'll see that in return someday.
After many tears, decisions about me finding a full-time job, figuring out where to put Brinley if I got a job, going to interviews, more tears, more meltdowns, more arguments....I now understand why financial problems is the number one cause for divorce. It takes a toll. We have felt that.
Fortunately, we have so many reminders as to why we are here, what we are doing here, and where we are going. I did not like seeing Ryan stress even more about something we couldn't really fix. He had enough on his plate. Trust me. He was overflowing with stress in his bucket.
I remember getting that call from Ryan. I had just put Brinley down for a nap and he called. He rarely calls in the morning unless it is a quick hello before going into his next class. So I said, Heyyyy. He goes, I got an email this morning. It said my financial aid was updated. Me, why? The next semester doesn't start for like 2 months? Ryan then says, They granted us almost all of what we asked.
I didn't know what to say. Instead, like most stressed out mothers and wives, I cried. I fell to my knees.
The answer to all of my prayers. We were able to pay for rent for the next few months. We were able to get our car fixed. We were able to pay for all our bills until the next semester. We were able to buy diapers. We were able to survive. We were able to...ahem...order pizza to celebrate that night.
I got off the phone and said the most heart-felt prayer. I haven't said a prayer of thanks like that in...a long time. How do you say thanks when you've been complaining every step of the way?
I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me and
knows me. He knows that I need to have help along the way. That I can't be, super optimistic all-the-time. He knows that I will get frustrated and cry spontaneously. He knows that I needed a supportive husband who always sees life top-down and who is a
get-er-done kind of man.
He also knows that I struggle when times are hard. That I think there isn't an end to all this school stuff.
But, He reminds me that life is beautiful. That we are healthy. That I have a gorgeous spunky daughter who looks at me like I am the
cooooolest mom in the world. That Ryan and I are stronger now, than we were before starting law school.
Trust me. I know more of these bumps are coming. But, experiences like this will help me in the future. I know this. I also know that we do not have to go through them alone.
