Dear Brinley,

Doll face, 

You are TWO!

I didn't believe it when people told me that year 1-2 would fly by even faster than birth-1 year. I cannot believe we are here again to celebrate your birthday. You my dear, are such a sweet little girl.

You may look like your daddy 99% of the time, but you are definitely feisty and stubborn just like me :-). Your daddy and I seem to laugh constantly at the funny things you do and say. You love to be with us all the time. And you definitely get possessive over us. Like when your daddy kisses me in the kitchen or even when we hold hands, you scream, "No daddy!" We still haven't figured out why this has ticked you off, but it seems that any pda we display, you are right on our heels about it!

I still find it amazing that we communicate and understand each other perfectly through your talking. You started to talk pretty early on after your first birthday, and it has just taken off. Each month, you are speaking clearer and with longer sentences. I love that about you because you love to talk to me about funny things that are going on.

Brinley, you know your colors really well and your shapes sorta well. You can pieces all the shapes together on your puzzle board, but picking them out at random is challenging for you. Especially, rectangles and octagons! Who needs them anyways :-). You love to color and you sorta kinda drew a circle last week. You had the circular motion down and kept saying, "circle circle circle!" 

Nursery at Church was kind of challenging during the summer for you. I blame it on our traveling and a bit of separation anxiety. For some reason, you have completely turned a corner in nursery. Daddy drops you off and there is no turning back. You love nursery. We review your songs during the week and I love to see you add the hand motions to certain songs. When I sing to you at night, you sometimes add in a few words that you know and it melts my heart. For just a moment, we sing together in the dark and I love it.

Like clockwork, when those 2 weeks pass by, you remind me that it is time to repaint our toenails together after lunch. You sit so patiently and love to play with the different bottles of color while I work away on your tootsies. You are my little buddy and I fall in love with you more and more everyday. Thank you for being the light in my life that I need right now. Brinley, you definitely challenge me everyday with entering your "terrible twos" as they call it, but I think you just want to do everything, that when you can't, you get frustrated so easily. I promise to go easy on time outs this year, but you promise to keep the tantrums to a minimum!

I love you Boo Boo,
Mommy

-------

Brinley Kaethe. You are my sunshine and happiness. I can't explain in words how much I love you and the kind of joy you bring in to our lives. The more I watch you learn and grow the more amazed I am to see your personality come out. I can't wait to get to know you more as you grow and to continue our fun family adventures together. One of my favorite things is to hear you get excited when I come home from school and you hear the key hit the door. I love coming inside and finding you and your mom hiding under the table ready to surprise me. I love hearing you say "daddy!" and seeing your run towards me ready for a hug.

One of my favorite parts of the day is bath/bed time. I know you don't always want to go to bed, but I also know how tired you get. I like when you have fun splashing and playing with your toys. I love reading books to you, especially ones my parents read to me growing up. I love that you want to cuddle with your mom every night. It makes me happy to know how much you love your mom because I know how much she loves you.  I laugh out loud hearing you doing the war chant and saying "go Noles!" on your own. You make me happy and laugh every day.

I love you boo have a happy birthday!
DADDY
--
first birthday
birth story

I finally joined the majority

The Disney Channel has been on for the past 3 days straight. I seriously cannot put this book down! I am letting Mickey Mouse and Yo Gabba Gabba parent until I get this book finished! Brinley isn't complaining ONE bit. I was trying to read during dinner time last night, and Ryan almost had a cow. It is just SO good. I'm not one to jump on a book when it gets overly hyped about, but now I can see what yall were talking about. I have about 200 pages left to go. I'm trying to finish before my parents get here this afternoon, or at least before they go home because I'm passing it off to my mama. She is going to love it.

Trunk or Treat

Everything went perfectly! I was stressed for weeks because I had basically put myself in charge of the planning, set up, and having everything go without any problems! It was an absolute success. and there were tons of people there! I didn't get any pictures of the decor, but it was super cute too. 

Ry was the Knight in Shining armor coming up with our costume last minute: Lost Hikers. It was great. We strapped on our hiking boots, plaid shirt and jean shorts, tangled hair, and of course, our camel packs. It was awesome. I totally enjoyed putting make up on Ry too. He kept pulling away and squinting his eyes!! Come on babe, it's not so bad. Guess it was pretty tramatic for him. Everyone knew what we were, which is always a success when it is a homemade-out of the closet type of costume. 

Brinley was of course, adorable. Her costume was perfect for her. She ran around non-stop the WHOLE time. She loved every minute of it. She finally settled down and told me she was super hungry. Someone was a genius and brought rice and mac and cheese, so I served her up a bowl and she ate the whole thing. We had a great turn out of about 20+ soups and they were licked clean. I made a fabulous vegetarian chili from Martha Stewart, but instead of zucchini's, I sautéed orange pepper with the onion, added in some red pepper flakes for a kick, and it was an awesome chili. Definitely going to make that one again for the family! 

okay, me, not so much. But Brinley's face is SO classic. Nooo mama!!! NOOOO!!!! You would think we were pulling her nails out. 

Lost Hikers and little boo boo Ghost!

I invited the family of the little girl I watch. That's her mama Jeni and May on the right. Brinley is obsessed with Jeni. So glad they came!

Um, is that Miss Frizzle? Heck ya it is!! 

Miss Frizzle, (Freya) and the Magic school bus aka Brett, her husband :-) What a trooper.

Little Ghost girl! She was a doll. 

DJ Lance and Plex!!!! Our great friends Chris and Kendal. Chris looked, sounded, and danced exactly like DJ Lance!!! Brinley really did think it was him! 

Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle GO! Hoooold stillllll! They were jamming!

aaaa-break it dooooown

Look at her face!! She LOVED him. She went up to him and said, Trick or Treat DJ Lance!!

 --
It was such a wonderful night and the perfect way to kick off the last week of October! We probably won't be doing much more "Halloween-ie" stuff with Brinley being young. We had a great time and glad everything came together.

What we're eating this week

**I just have to note, this week has been completely out of control. Brinley has had the cold of the century. She isn't napping. Or sleeping at night. And now I have a cold. I am miserable. And tired. And I just want to curl up on the couch and watch Sleepless in Seattle while eating a whole lot of Blue Bell Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Just saying. Plus, my molar sister just had a roller coaster of a weekend and it really has shaken me up. I've been really upset about it. I'm trying to not let my thoughts go there but my heart is breaking for her. But, she continues to amaze me with her strength and optimism. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.


--

I'm copying by bff, Julia by giving you my dinner menu this week. Maybe that will hold me accountable for actually cooking exciting things! We did so good cooking up new things for awhile, but I haven't tried making them for a second time! How lame is that! I'll admit it right now, this is what I plan on doing this week, but in this order, probably not going to happen. So here is the line up for this week:

Sunday: Chicken, Cashew, and Red Pepper Stir-Fry

Monday: Chicken and Mushroom Alfredo (our own invention)

Tuesday: Our Ward's Trunk or Treat. I'm bringing a basic, but always tasty chili and cornbread muffins. 

Wednesday: Pasta tossed with olive oil, garlic, red pepper, and Parmesan 

Thursday: Autumn chopped salad (substitute apples for pears)

(my parents are coming into town on Friday so I am going to crank up my menu a few notches!)
I am sooooooo excited! Just hoping we are all feeling better by the time they get here. 

Friday: Black Bean Burritos (watch for the tutorial!)

Saturday: 

breakfast per Mama's request: Lemon Poppy seed Pancakes

dinner: Spicy Turkey Burgers with Sriracha mayo (YUM!)

It is Fall

FINALLY!!!!!!!!

Yesterday it dropped into the high 60's and so we bundled up and played outside. Not even kidding, 5 minutes after we were playing I started to say out loud, I am COLD! I haven't said those words in months! I love fall. It is supposed to warm back up, but I loved feeling that fall bite in the air.

I also have Brinley's Halloween costume finished! I am so excited to dress her up. Unfortunately, Ryan and I won't be dressing up :-( Our group fizzled out and since I am basically in charge of the Trunk or Treat, it is probably best I'm not prancing around in heels and a fake blonde wig trying to get things set up.

cute boo boo with her Converse sneaks and hoodie. poor girl has a nasty cold so she's been pretty miserable. 

sporting my hood

I also made these black bean burritos for dinner! I found the recipe from here off of Pinterest, but I added chicken and rolled the mixture in flour tortillas instead of corn tortillas. Before baking them, I brushed them with a bit of oil and it seriously made the whole dish. The crispiness of the tortillas were so delish. Brinley even scarfed 3/4 of one by herself! She loves black beans. I may make a tutorial for it because they were so fun and easy to make. We seem to always have tortillas, black beans and chicken on hand so why not make it more often! 

Truth Tuesday: My Molar Sister

I got home from a long baptism on Saturday to find a comment from a friend directing me to a blog about my "situation."

I was skeptical at first because I've read a lot about coping with a miscarriage, but I haven't been able to find anything about anyone going through a molar pregnancy. Coping with a miscarriage is one thing. Dealing with a molar pregnancy is another ton of bricks on top of a miscarriage.

I started reading this from Ashley at Lil Blue Boo:

I wasn’t sure when I’d write about this……but I just felt like tonight was a good time.

I haven’t been feeling well the last few weeks. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive…..but I felt like something wasn’t quite right. I went in for an ultrasound and I knew right away from the technician’s silence that my gut feeling was right. There was no baby. But I still had to be scheduled for surgery (my 2nd D&C in 3 months) because my body thinks it’s pregnant. I wasn’t that worried about it…..my last D&C was easy.

"When many things seem to be going wrong, trust me. When your life feels increasingly out of control thank Me. These are supernatural responses and they can lift you above your circumstances. If you do what comes naturally in the face of difficulties, you may fall prey to negativism. Even a few complaints can set you on a path that is a downward spiral, by darkening your perspective and mind set". (my daily reading from Jesus Calling).

Last Friday, my doctor called at 4:45pm and asked if I could come into the office. I told him I had to pick up Boo from school and his reply was “I’ll wait for you.” (first thought: that can’t be good) He’d consulted with an oncologist and they determined my pregnancy was a molar pregnancy and suspected it stemmed from my miscarriage a few months ago. I needed an immediate MRI and CT scan of my brain, lungs and abdomen to make sure cancerous or cancer-like cells weren’t spreading.

I remember driving from the doctor’s office thinking: With everything that has happened this year and now this……why am I so calm? Is God piling this on until I reach some limit? Maybe I should start acting overly dramatic or emotional so it will all stop…..wait, that won’t work…..God would just know I’m faking it.

So I had an MRI and CT scan on Monday. My father-in-law Barry (a doctor) called “well, it’s not good…..Dr. Jacome wants the family in the office at 9am tomorrow to discuss.”

Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. (my daily reading from Jesus Calling)

Tuesday at 9am, my husband, my father-in-law, my mother-in-law and I were all sitting in the doctor’s office. All I really remember hearing is:

the molar pregnancy has turned into an invasive growth in your uterus

it’s spread to 9 areas on your lungs, and one on your liver

it hasn’t spread to your brain yet

you’ll see specialists at Loma Linda first thing

you’ll need chemotherapy

We aren’t labeling it yet….it’s either cancer or cancer-like. The doctors are fairly confident it’s a rare form of cancer called choriocarcinoma, but one that is very responsive to chemotherapy.

It hasn’t set in completely yet either. I’m not sure it ever will. I’m the kind of person that just takes it day by day. I’m not scared or worried. I know it will all work out how it’s supposed to. Worry and anxiety take the joy out of my day so I just don’t do it. It’s much easier to hand everything over to God.

Monday at 9am we meet with a new doctor at Loma Linda University. We’ll know more about my options then. I’m super blessed to have an amazing family and amazing friends that are so supportive. My sweet hubby has been doing everything around here in the morning and night….mornings are the hardest for me right now…..it takes a while to get going. I’ve been working from bed all week because I have this side pain that just won’t go away and the pain medication makes me nauseous.

**

I immediately sent Ashley an email because I had to just say Thank You for being prompted with sharing her experience. I felt an immediate comfort and relief while reading this. It definitely put this whole experience in perspective, that some women are dealing with a lot more than I am. I told her that I felt like I knew her so much better than just being a fun blog I read. It is interesting how something, so awful, can create a bond instantly. 

But you know what? She is so optimistic and not scared! I don't get it! I need to ask her more in depth how she is coping with the #1 shock, and #2 the recovery. I've been scared this whole time. She has completely turned the page for me and now I am trying to be like her by taking it one step at a time.

She emailed me back that same day and she was so grateful that I emailed her. She said out of all the women who responded to her post, she was told by just a few they had too experienced a molar pregnancy. It is so rare. She wants to start a support group for other women dealing with molar pregnancies. Wouldn't that be something!?

I told Ry that I feel totally different now. I wish I read a blog post like this moooonths ago, but everything happens when it is supposed to happen. Take the bull by the horns he said. And that is exactly where I am at now.

I love the blog world. I laugh at it sometimes. I have my list of "crazies" (as I'm sure we all do), but when I come across something like this, it completely transforms my perception. I hope someone out there is reading this and feels a sense of sisterhood and relief. 

Halloween decorations and Pumpkins!

Okay, this is a random Halloween post.

Enjoy.

I saw this on Pinterest and fell. in. love.

Perfect way to display lots of pictures for less than $5. It turned out better than I imagined! We take so many pictures that you can't exactly frame every single one, so this is perfect. I was able to fit 48 pictures! 

 Perfect for our upstairs hallway.

 And I made pumpkin bread this week. It lasted about 36 hours. I put in mini chocolate chips and I think it tasted better than using regular sized chocolate chips. Still chocolatey, but still pumpkin-y.

 And theeen, I saw this on Pinterest and I HAD to recreate it.

 I think the bats look too happy, but still, they are cute! Adds a fun dramatic touch to our home. I made the eyes with a Q-Tip and cream acrylic paint.

 I found this template and blew it up in Word, printed it off, and then traced them out on black card stock. 

Here they are! Isn't it fun???!!!! Brinley loved it the next morning when she woke up!

Okay, I know I'm going bunting overboard, but I found cute Halloween fabric and had to add some cheap but cute decorations. Hence, this amazing bunting banner up the stairs.

 Up close. 

And over here too.

And theeeeeeeeen, we went to this cute community church pumpkin patch they have every year. The pumpkins are super nice and they have a great variety. We only had $5 cash, so we only got 3 little ones. Brinley picked them out and she looooved it. She kept touching all the small pumpkins. 

I love this season! It was 82 degrees today and I wanted soooo badly to wear jeans and a sweater. I got away with wearing jeans, a tee, and my rainbows. "Fall" has come to Florida, but not the kind of fall I want! Maybe in a few weeks!

Our classic afternoon, video style

My afternoons go something like this. But repeated 150 times. In an hour. 

Part One

Part Two

a 'How I am Doing" update

I know all this news came as a shock to all of you. I really was reluctant to blog about anything, but it turned into a wonderful experience posting my experience. So many of you have reached out to me with support, with your own infertility stories, and even your successes after years of negative tests. I apologize if I didn't respond to your emails, but please understand that I read every one and felt your love for me. This whole experience has been very out of body.

part one

part two

part three

I am still going in once a month to get my blood drawn. I usually get the results back within 3 days. I experience many emotions leading up to these appointments, but I experience even more emotions while I wait for that phone call. It goes something like this:

ring ring ring...caller id of my office which immediately puts anxious butterflies in my stomach.

me: hello?

nurse: Is this Meagan?

me: yes

nurse: I have the results back from your blood test.

me: okay...?

nurse: They came back negative.

me: is that good?

nurse: Yes...yes, we want negative results.

me: okay! Thank you!

This past month, this phone call left me anxious for an additional 15 minutes just because my mind goes wild, like, what if I heard the doctors voice instead of the nurse? Then I'll know immediately that something is wrong. I try to keep my cool, but I can't help but sit down on the ground wherever I am and just say a quick prayer of gratitude because Heavenly Father has sustained me this far already.

A few things I am grateful for:

-I forget sometimes that I am still in the midst of the molar pregnancy rebound. I experience no sickness and no signs of anything wrong. But when I have to work mine and Ryan's schedule around these once a month dr visits, I am reminded 100% of what is going on. Wake up call.

-For the time I get to spend with Brinley. We have become such pals and I love seeing her grow up. It is such a neat thing that I get to spend my days with her because lots of mom's don't get this luxury. I try not to focus on the potential years apart our next one and Brinley will be, but I try to celebrate that she will probably be potty trained AND be the best helper ever by the time it happens.

Okay, maybe that is just two things I am grateful for. My heart really does ache daily when I see pictures of pregnant women (which happens to be all over the blog world right now!) and when I scan the channels and stop at TLC's A Baby Story. I get upset reading blogs about women who are pregnant, but complain about it. Ugh, being pregnant sucks. I know they are just recording their thoughts, but maybe sit back and think about all the women who can't get pregnant or even those that can't have babies at all.

It is hard to not think about, well, what if this didn't happen? We would be welcoming a baby this week and I can't even imagine. I try not to go there because that isn't healthy. I don't think I am living my life in the past, but sometimes it really does get to me.

The other night Ryan and I were just sitting on the couch watching TV and he leaned over and said, I want a baby. I know he didn't say it to hurt my feelings or put any pressure on me, but I realized that this is also really hard on him. I forget sometimes, especially when the focus is always on me.

A few nights ago, we were having one of our talks (no tears, though! That's some sort of record!). I was telling him that we experienced virtually zero fears having Brinley. Sure, you have hypothetical fears, but when you have a slam dunk pregnancy and delivery, you just think this is the norm. I was pretty oblivious to anything possibly going wrong. There was no question we wouldn't see that baby at 8 weeks on the ultrasound, and then at 20 weeks, and then to have a normal water broke at home kind of delivery. Now, my mind is full of fears. I'm a wreck even thinking about getting pregnant again. In midst of my what if scenarios, Ryan said something that really hit me. He said, "I'm just throwing it out there and I don't want you to get upset because you know I want another baby, but if we couldn't, for whatever reason get pregnant again, we already made the perfect baby ." And he is so right.

We then talked about how awesome Brinley is. I seriously can't get enough of her. When we cuddle on the couch, I have to be touching her. Either her toes, or by tickling her arm, or playing with her hair. She is so smart and such a blessing in our lives. We know there is a reason why she is our first born.

My new assignment in Church has been a great distraction and I know it will only get better. It has helped me really stay in tune with the Spirit. I have been playing Primary songs during the day, and Brinley stopped once she heard "I am a Child of God" and started singing a few words. Crossing my fingers I am in Primary long enough for her to join the Sunbeams! They are just So cute!!

It is hard to imagine that I have crossed the 9 month mark of when we got that positive test and the whirlwind that happened not too soon after. Time is so tricky because these months have really flown by, but then again I can't imagine the next 4-5 months flying by until I have passed the 1 year mark. It is scary when I really think about things, but Ryan is such a great support for me. When I break down past rock bottom, he pulls me up and helps me stay optimistic.

Soooo, you ask. How am I doing??

and I say,

I'm hanging in there.

Truth Tuesday: project REVEAL!

Remember the TT Teaser??

I used the tulle to make an AWESOME birthday tutu for Brinley. It. Rocks. Holy cow. I am pretty impressed with myself. Granted, this project didn't have anything to do with hot glue gun or a sewing machine, but still! It was tricky getting that tutu to cooperate most of the time.

Ry thought it looked like a giant garter...thanks babe.

Isn't she a beaut!? FULL TUTU GLORY!

This next project was a bit trickier. I drew out a 5x8 triangle (5 width, 8 length and then connect the dots to make a triangle). I then spent the next hour or so cutting out triangles. I've seen bunting banner made without a back to the triangles, but I had enough fabric and I didn't want any frayed edges. I decided to do a "Happy Birthday" and then a separate "Brinley" banner so that I can use the "Happy Birthday" portion for other birthdays, ahem, like my own! It turned out SO cute. The process went quick after I had the triangles ironed and pinned. Sewing was a breeze. and then pinning the onto the ribbon got a bit tricky but after I got going, it went by so fast. Even Ry was impressed, after I told him what it was...He needs to pay more attention to pinterest! Bunting banners are everywhere! I didn't want to go overboard with it, but it is just so dang cute!! I think it will go perfectly with our birthday decor for Miss Brinley.

Please excuse this rather frightening picture. It was late!

The green hand project isn't quite finished, so I'm not going to show you quite yet what we've been working on.

But I came up with this fun birthday count down chain for Brinley! She has loved taking off a new link every morning for the past few days.

We went to Chuck E Cheese

I was hesitant at first. I had a very weird day of not feeling well and random spurts of anxiety, and was not in the mood for Chuck E Cheese. 

but, Ryan convinced me that we needed to go and that I would feel better going. and he was totally right. 

We met up with our great friends, and had the greatest time. I seriously went crazy with the games that spit out the most tickets. I couldn't help it! You know the game with the lights going round and round and you hit the button when the light comes around into the "bonus" area?? I did that game probably 9 times and got over 100 tickets. Fa-reaaaaked out. I'm sure I scared some children with my excitement!

the Browns, with Zander in the baby sling.

Brinley's favorite ride. She would put her head on the man's shoulder during the ride. Soo cute!

I kept giggling. Remember, we decided to go for Brinley, but I think I had a better time! She would point to the giant Mouse walking around (which has always weirded me out) and say, "Big Mouse!!! Big Mouse!!!!" Brinley loved the cars, giant white horse, and the games where you use a big hammer to hit random animals that popped up sporadically. She touched probably everything. I had to kick my germ-freak-mom attitude when we entered the doors because, lets be honest, Chuck E Cheese isn't the cleanest  place to have your kids play. However, we all had a nice lather of sanitizer when we walked to our cars.

the very intense horse riding game. The horse even jumped! It was crazy, I kept screaming. 

what a cute little face! Love her!

Ry was so excited to be there too!

We finally made our way over to the skee-ball. Ryan killed it. Me? Not so much. I'm a reckless bowler. Never consistent. 

Brinley enjoyed climbing up on the skee-ball lanes and steal all Ryan's bowling balls!

Ry in action.

We racked up the tickets. 157. 157!!! We saved the slip for, (get this), next time. Because yes, there WILL be a next time :-)

and of course we finished the night off at Chick-Fil-A for their Friday night Family Night! Free kids meal! Hollar! (did I just say that??)

It was such a fun family date night. I had a blast, and it was exactly what I needed.