WO: Progress and a few setbacks

This past month has been weird. I haven't been motivated to work out at all. The low self esteem from my post-baby body has crept in, and I don't like it. I have felt so crummy. Sure, I look a whole lot better than being 9 months pregnant, I'll give myself that, but dang, keeping Ellie fed is taking a lot of sacrifice.

First, progress. I think I have lost 2 pounds. When I have an empty bladder and have just fed Ellie, I weigh 147 lbs. But on a regular day, I still fluctuate around 150. Who knows. So I guess seeing the scale dip into the 140's is motivating! 

Enter: Jillian.

I love Biggest Loser. I was an avid watcher in the early seasons. As I was eating my bowl of ice cream while watching episodes, she really resonated with me. She felt so genuine. She is intense. and she also reminds me of my own sister Jillian. Equally fit. Equally scary when they are trainers. I borrowed the 30 Day Shred from a friend just to try. So far, it has proved to be the best mama work out. It is 30 minutes start to finish. Yes, please! I've only had it for a few weeks, and I have been working out 3 days a week with it now. During naps or at night while Ryan is studying. I love mutting the tv and jamming to my iPod tunes.

And, the setbacks. 

It is hard though. The whole working out and seeing no results, thing. And the promise of no results until I can really diet and cut calories. It is hard to find the time. Working out during nap time doesn't always work because Brinley will be asleep, and Ellie will be fighting naps the entire time. Missed opportunity. Or after bedtime. Ellie sometimes goes to bed by 8pm, but may be up 2-3 more times before she is OUT for the night.

Trust me, seeing this naked girl does make me happy.

My mama milk is doing wonders for this squish. Her baby rolls are so amazing and I am so proud of that. I did that! As rewarding as it is to see my hard work in true life form, it doesn't completely remove my insecurities about myself. 

Nursing is a constant job and it is hard work. Yes, it has gotten easier. But I still eat and drink all the time and worry about my milk supply every moment of the day. This is the age where Brinley started to tapper off, and I am so scared it is going to happen again. We stopped rice cereal after only 2 days because we felt Ellie wasn't totally ready. She obviously doesn't need anything more than breast milk. and she is sleeping great at night. We are going to reintroduce solids at 6 months.

I have a limited wardrobe right now and it is frustrating. I purged a bunch of old clothes last month and while it felt good, it was also discouraging because I probably would never be able to fit back into some of those clothes. After babies, your body changes. Hips widen. Boobs are big. Booty is bigger. Everything changes. After Brinley, I was a bit rolly in my middle section, but I was back in my pre-pregnancy jeans by this point. I know I shouldn't compare, but it sucks. It sucks. Being 15 pounds over weight for me is so discouraging. However, I have found a pair of jeans that work and my everyday Mom tee. Most days, in my mom-iform, I feel pretty good about myself. 

Right now I am in a huge body image rut and I hate it. I just want to sit down and cry when I get out of the shower and see what having 2 kids has done for my poor body. Will it ever be the same? Sadly, no. My skin has been stretched to carry two big babies and I just don't see that changing with just diet and exercise alone. My stomach skin is still so sensitive from being numb. It hurts sometimes when I exercise and when I wear jeans. I have been told that skin may never be back to normal, or ever regain feeling back.

SO, again, I am recommitting myself. It is a constant battle for me. I have so many ups and downs about body imagine. One day, I feel good. I feel thin. I feel powerful! other days, I can barely look at myself in the mirror let alone work out. BLAH. I hate the post baby mind sometimes. It sure can play tricks on you.

Thanks for letting me vent.