Last weekend, I got to be Ryan's plus-1 at the annual county Bar Association Banquet. I borrowed a fancy dress from a friend and even applied eye liner and lipstick!! Ryan wore his best suit and he looked goooood ;-) The past-present and now current president of the Bar Association for our county are both from Ryan's firm, so it was fun congratulating them and acting like "they know me." It was cool.
Sometime during the night though I realized that I was surrounded by many very successful attorneys, and especially the wives of these attorneys.
One conversation left me feeling pretty pathetic. I hate using that word, but when you feel less than others, pathetic is exactly the word I would use to describe it.
Wife of attorney: and what is it that you do?
Me: I stay home with our two girls.
Wife: (no expression or Good for you, how old are your girls? or ANY reaction)
Ryan: (bless his heart trying to keep the conversation from completely bombing) AND she works at Old Navy at night.
I'm not sure if that made me feel better or worse. I know Ryan was just trying to help. I couldn't help but feel pretty lame.
I wanted to shout at that lady, "I have a Bachelors degree in Health Science. I made the decision long ago when I was pregnant with our first that I wanted to stay home with her. While I could probably go out and get a job in my field, I choose to stay home and teach and play and comfort and protect our family by staying home with our children."
But if I would have said that, it would have definitely made the situation more awkward. Haha! Can you even imagine??
I've toyed with this many times. To work and help our families finances and comfortability or continue to stay home, struggle a bit financially, but be there for our children. This debacle plays with my "mommy guilt" all the time. I feel guilty to be staying home and not providing financially for our family. To have a college degree that I am not using. To have student loans staring me in the face that I'm unable to pay back because I haven't worked since getting my degree.
Because from the world's standard, I'm not living up to my potential. I haven't proven myself to society. My talents are better served in a busy world where women wear suits and go to meetings and wear stiletto heels everyday and say and do important things.
My days are full of dirty diapers, constant runny noses needing to be wiped, preparing, cooking, cleaning, washing, scrubbing, and doing it all over again many times during the day. I am being touched, pulled, or talked to 99% of my day. My "quiet" time is fulfilled by preparing for dinner, doing laundry, scrubbing toilets, or vacuuming. I am constantly trying to learn more about how I can feel more fulfilled in my role of being a mother and how to be more patient, loving, and understanding to my girls needs.
It is kinda hard to explain that to someone who #1 isn't a mother, or #2 doesn't stay home. I'm not saying that if you aren't a SAHM you don't do one or all of these things, but when you have to do them for 12 hours every single day without a break or being able to leave your house or get away for yourself, it's draining. It's exhausting. And guess what? Most of the time it is not rewarding.
I hate that a simple question of What is it that YOU do? can make me second guess everything that I do. I feel like I do a lot. I know I do a lot. For everyone. And guess what? I DO work outside the home. It might be a meaningless retail job to a lot of people, but it is important to me. I run hard all day long, and then I have to rush to make dinner for my family, and then rush to work. I work on my feet for the next 3+ hours running around serving more people. Helping their needs be fulfilled. Thankfully, I feel relaxed there and it is actually really nice to be out of the house, even if I am serving more people and dealing with crazies.
Am I making any sense? Do you struggle with this too?
I am constantly going back and rereading this beautiful talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland entitled "Because She Is a Mother." The most profound lesson I learned from reading this talk comes from this quote,
"When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, "pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task," that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you."
Oh how easily I forget that I am doing God's work. I am raising and teaching and loving and comforting His children. Then why is so hard remembering this and not feeling like I am doing an important thing?
A friend posted a similar thought on Facebook a while ago from my favorite author of my favorite book (and movie) series. Leave it to Harry Potter to really drive it home. J.K. Rowling said,
"Very early on in writing the series, I remember a female journalist saying to me that Mrs. Weasley, 'Well, you know, she's just a mother,' And I was absolutely incensed by that comment. Now, I consider myself to be a feminist, and I'd always wanted to show that just because a woman has made a choice, a free choice to say, 'Well, I'm going to raise my family and that's going to be my choice. I may go back to a career, I may have a career part time, but that's my choice,' that doesn't mean that that's all she can do. And as we proved there in that little battle, Molly Weasley comes out and proves herself the equal of any warrior on that battlefield."
J. K. Rowling said again,
"...I always saw Molly as a very good witch but someone whose light is necessarily hidden under a bushel, because she [is] in the kitchen a lot and she has had to raise, among others...I wanted Molly to have her moment and to show that because a woman had dedicated herself to her family does not mean that she doesn't have a lot of other talents." quote found here
I don't know about you, but I feel more armored and ready to battle the world after reading that talk and hearing those powerful quotes.
How do you combat these feelings of inadequacy in motherhood? Or am I the only one?
Love Molly Weasley! It's funny, because I basically have the opposite experience at church. People ask what Jesse does and just assume I don't work. Or when I say that I work full-time, they ask in a horrified tone, "who watches your baby?" Um, daycare. I've actually had people tell me I shouldn't be doing that and should get Medicaid. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Medicaid, but Jesse has a full-time job with insurance, so we definitely wouldn't even qualify. I hate having to drop Nathaniel off every day and go on to work, but for now that's just what we have to do. And he does great in social situations, so I try to count the blessings that have come from our current situation.
ReplyDeleteIt can be so hard to just turn the other cheek to people's judgments, whatever they may be, but we are all just doing what's best for our families!
I have a hard time with the "oh good for you!" sentiments. Like it's so surprising that I can run a tote bag business and be a stay at home mom. Or that my shop is so cute and must not really be work because I can stay at home while I do it. Or that I'm super miserable with being a mom so "good for me" for finding something so simple to get me through. In the end, I tell people that I can have it all, but not right now. Because, personally, I would make the worst social worker ever because I would be too damn tired. One day, I will get my masters and I will kick a in my field. But today, I'm doing the most important social work I can.
ReplyDeleteThere is no shame in staying home with your kids! You shouldn't feel embarrassed or let anyone comments affect you. Easier said than done. But life is so short and your kiddos grow so fast.....don't let the pressures of what "Professional" women say. I have been to those LAWYER parties too and you have to stand proud of what you do....Most of the time they admire what you do. I always say if people are pressuring me "Dave's job is so demanding and unpredictable at times I need to be there for the kids for stability. So just let it roll and not worry what others think or say. You have to do what is best for you and your family. I think that it is great the you work at old navy. I would love to have something that I could GO and do for myself. But like I said before. Dave's schedule varies from day to day and the pressure of worrying when he will be home and having a time commitment is super stressful to me.....thats why I have not started back to school...among other reasons....But your awesome and should be proud of what you do.
ReplyDeleteI touched on some of these things when wrote about feminism on my blog- I actually often feel the opposite pressure (because I live in Provo.) It's expected that you don't work, and really looked down on if you do, but to all of it I say just do whatever you feel brings you love and joy. I actually talked to a co-worker today about how bothered I was by a comment some lady made when she came back to work saying she needed to work because she felt like being a mom was not fulfilling and pointless and I just thought well then don't have kids- no on is forcing you to! In retrospect I think she felt obligated to say that and not that she necessarily feels that way, but I hate that you felt obligated to say that. I also feel gratitude that women arnt just expected to be mothers and that like a smart wonderful women I work with who was never able to conceive, her life isn't viewed as pointless because she has no children. IN the end I say how can anyone say that raising a child who goes out into society and has an ability to impact the world for good or bad is not single handedly the most important job a person can be doing? How? Motherhood is so beautiful.
ReplyDelete