Remembering February Second

I really don't like to break down into nonsense, but let me tell you. Sometimes a girl just needs to cry. And my eyes are so puffy this morning and my head is pounding. Some how, I was able to fall asleep last night with a completely stuffed up nose, throbbing jaw, and still wet eyes. And Brinley woke up at 6:30 this morning of course which means her day will be long and sad because when she doesn't get her normal 14 hours of sleep, she has a hard time.

February 2nd, 2011 was the day that started this all. I don't even remember anything about the day except peeing on 3 pregnancy tests that all said positive.

We were so happy. I was so happy our children would be 2 years apart. Another October baby. We were without a care in the world. And We were ignorant to the idea that this little babe wouldn't turn out exactly like Brinley. I miss that joy. I miss being excited for new happy changes.

I can't believe it has been a year, but at the same time, it feels like it has been 5 years of waiting. Definitely the longest trial I have ever gone through.

Last night, I was reminded that it isn't as easy as everyone thinks it is. That just because the year wait is over, the baby making process just picks up where we left off. If only it was that easy.

Living the past year with the fear every month that my blood tests wouldn't come back positive has been very traumatic. Can you imagine going in every month to check if you have cancer or not?? At times I think I am suffering still from post traumatic stress syndrome or something because it never ended.

For 12 months, I was scared. Every day. The slightest change in my body would set me over the edge of a nervous breakdown. If my period was too heavy, or too late, or if I had cramps randomly during the month. My mind always went there. It always went there. I took so many stupid pregnancy tests. Not to see if I was actually pregnant, but to see if they would come back positive because of the increase in the HCG hormone.

I also struggle with guilt. Why her, and not me? The alternative could be so bad, and I know that, but a part of me thinks, well at least if you had cancer, you wouldn't be afraid evey month. You would be on the road to fixing the problem, not prolonging it. Yes, fear would still be there, I'm not dismissing that, but I just feel guilty. And stupid sometimes for getting upset. And stressed. Because her life is way more insane than mine.

I look at Brinley and want to cry so bad. She needs a sibling. She does. I get these frequent impressions that our family isn't complete, like people are missing, and it makes me feel even worse. I am so used to just having Brinley and being told that I can't get pregnant. I am used to having one child and honestly, I love just having Brinley. I am so content having one child. Granted, she kind of thinks she is a big deal and everything needs to be about her, but for now, it is. She is my only living child, so I cherish her completely.

In midst of the sobbing last night, Ryan tried so hard to comfort me by saying that everything will work out. I know that, but right now, I can't see my life in 10 years. I can't see children in my future. I can't see it. And I hate it.

I am so terrified of the possibility of just pressing repeat of this past year. And it makes me more and more hesitant to get pregnant again. Yes, the idea of bringing another baby into our family makes me so so so excited, but apart me is like, can we just place an order and skip this part, and become pregnant with a perfect baby?? Or Heavenly Father, just tell me this is the end of the heartbreak? Tell me I can move on without fear.

I have become so foreign to myself at times. I don't know what my deal is when I am snippy and cranky and after having an argument with Ryan about something stupid. I realize an hour later that it all started with watching A Baby Story, or seeing yet again, another pregnancy announcement on a blog. I want that. I want that so badly. But I can't tell you when I'll be ready for it. I never know when I'm going to have a breakdown and cry until I can't cry anymore. It hits me usually at the moments when I think I'm actually doing better and not as reactive.

I laughed last night in mid-cry thinking if I was pregnant right now and I just didn't know yet. That would be hilarious!! My period is supposed to start this next week which explains my up and down hormones. Sorry, tmi!

I think my body needs time. I need to rediscover me that isn't prefaced with, oh I'm in for my monthly blood draw because I had a molar pregnancy. I am tired of that. And I know I will remember March 22, March 24, and April 11. The day finding out we miscarried, the day of my surgery, and the day we found out it was a molar pregnancy. Those might be sad days, just an FYI. But hopefully not!

I think February 2nd hit me so strongly because this was the beginning. The rest just fell into place and we went along with it. I try not to beat myself up about the things that lead up until finding out we miscarried. At 8 weeks, I had a rough couple of days with pains I had never experienced before. There wasn't any bleeding, so I just thought it was really nasty morning sickness. I had to get my pregnancy confirmed at Planned Parenthood (that was interesting!) and the nurse said I had low HCG levels for being as far along as I was. And then the many conversations I had with my mom thinking I wasn't showing much for being 11 weeks. and then the week later, those pains I experienced 3 weeks before were my miscarriage and when you miscarry a molar pregnancy, it is harder on your body and you experience severe severe morning sickness and cramping. Of course when you are early pregnant you have thoughts of possibly miscarrying, but the night before my appointment, those thoughts were more intense. I passed them off as thoughts of doubt and fear Satan had put in my mind.

I do know that with lots of prayer, an upcoming temple trip, and talking with Ryan, I'll be okay. It is amazing how non-courageous you feel when the only emotion you think you need to feel is being courageous. I am lacking every ounce of it. And where to find it? Maybe in a tub of Blue Bell ice cream.....hmmmmm.....